Perspective Changes

My husband will be home in 3 weeks. It's not permanent, it's another 2 week "stop in" before he takes off again. And I'm feeling...... unprepared.

I had hoped my hormones would have returned by now and things evened out but I'll tell ya, I'm dreading sex. I'm so afraid it will be horrible because I can't get in to it. From April till now- I've only masturbated once and it was horrible. I had expected a big "bang" because it had been so long but the orgasm was a let down- I couldn't get in to it. And thinking of him returning and having sex, there is no anticipating build-up, I feel no sexual excitement.

I blame my kids.

lol.



My kids mean everything to me. It's funny, I LOATHED Mommy bloggers. They'd post pictures of dildos on pages that shared pictures of their kids. They seemed commercial and fake and the nonstop talking about familyhood--- yawn. I fear I will become a Mommy blogger. I fear my little monsters will consume my every thought so that any other parts of myself will become erased.

Over the past few months I've changed. I've become a lot less selfish but I've also given up quite a bit of my identity. I've neglected things that used to be important in order to focus on becoming a better parent but it's taken away from who I am as a person. I've sacrificed more than my fair share in order to raise them right and it's changed who I am.

I've lost a lot of my liberal views, I have found a new respect for conservatism. And I want to push it on my daughter. I want to definitely not raise her in my image but I want to hold her to a higher standard. I'm not going to put unrealistic expectations on her shoulders but I will make her strive to live a life far better than I did when I was a young woman.

I've noticed a lot of young girls have lost all respect. Respect for their parents, respect for themselves. I don't want a little girl who grows up to fuck every guy that messages her on facebook. I want her to have a better sense of self so that she can invest in herself, rather than downgrade who she is. I will raise her with a sense of quality assurance because I want her to love her life rather than live with regret and painful mistakes.

I refuse to have a bitchy, 'know it all', 'thinks she's ready for life and knows everything at 16' little brat. lol.


Raising a little girl has been everything I thought it would. She's changed me, and while I've lost a lot of who I am, I still like the person I've become. I feel older, wiser, and I feel so much more respect for what a family is. Being a Mom has been a long hard road to walk but I feel like I've finally achieved what I always wanted to. Purpose, albeit a bit utilitarian..


So anyway. Wish me well when hubby comes home that I can live up to any expectations he may have and that I'm able to surprise and surpass any that I may acquire.

HNT: About as revealing as I get

Since having a baby, my body confidence is ZERO... so this is what you get. It's been a while.



Check at more at Views from the Backrow.

Married Life 6,000 miles apart

Things are okay. Not great, not awful. Just in the middle. I've been living the last year and a half in a weird kind of limbo. Instead of having my husband here in person, I live with his memories and just a voice on the other end of the phone that calls every 3 or 4 weeks.

It's a strange sort of life. And very depressing.

I worry about all sorts of things now that I never worried about before. We had so many issues up until the pregnancy that I swore we weren't going to make it and I wasn't really worried about that. I was just at the point to throw my hands up and walk away. But once I got pregnant with our daughter things changed and we got back into that place we hadn't been in in years.

I totally fell head over heels in love again. The time the military took from us made the heart grow fonder and the excitement over the pregnancy and the promise of a new bouncing baby helped us find that connection we thought was lost.

Now, I'm worried. Will we have anything in common? Will there still be an attraction? Will there be a spark? I admit, my breastfeeding hormones have completely KILLED my sex drive so when I think about my husband during the day, it's never a hormone-filled, sexy thought- it's more the cuddling variety. And that worries me too. When he comes home will I even want to do the deed?

I have a lot of fears thinking about his return which will be here in 2 months. I supposed I have 2 months to prepare and 2 months to hope my sex drive returns. Sex was one of the biggest aspects of our relationship but not having it with him since basically July 2010, we've filled the spaces with other things. I think that's why we were able to reconnect so deeply... but having him home? Sex is kind of required and I'm scared. Will I even enjoy it? Will it be like having sex with a stranger? Awkward?

There's a lot to think about and a lot to prepare for, mentally and physically. I hope 2 months time is enough because once he's home, he's home. I want the homecoming to be as wonderful as it has the potential to be but there's that nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me I'll just make a mess of it. Why can't that voice just shut the Hell up?

Yes, I'm still around

Life is crazy. I now have a beautiful 8 month old, I'm busy starting my own business, and I'm 3 months into another deployment.

But I think of the blog often. I just don't have the time for it I once did. I wish I did but I'm in a different stage of my life. I don't need to lean on it as heavily as I once did. This was a refuge for me and I'm so much stronger now that I don't need that crutch.

I also am not as sexual as I once was. The breastfeeding hormones and the lack of time has prevented me from any self-satisfaction and before my husband went on deployment the intimacy was pretty much nonexistent. I don't know when that "sparkle" will come back to my eye but for right now it's kind of better this way because at least I don't get any urges while hubby is gone, urges that I certainly can't act on.

But I want you all to know I'm still around, not in the same capacity I once was but I check in every now and again to see how everyone is. I miss you all but be happy I'm not around, it means life is good.

I'm also less than 3,000 hits away from 100,000 - once I reach that magic number I will post something great. :)

What's sex?

Allow me to take a break from cloth diapers, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing to wonder where the Hell my sex drive went.

I've literally gone a year without sex- what with the deployment, bedrest, recovery from child birth, and another upcoming deployment- I'm not getting laid. Nothing. For about 3 weeks. I love Motherhood, but really???

I'll admit, I don't really miss it--- the hormones from breastfeeding, not to mention a good percentage of body is now utilitarian instead of titillating, and I'm just like, "no thanks... sleep is more appealing than your penis"..

Someone wake me up and snap me out of this crunchy mommy coma, please? I miss my sexy self.

Laundry Soap and Vibrators? Sure!

My Hitachi crapped out so I found myself stuck. What would I do without the only vibrator that could completely numb me from the waist down?

Funnily enough, while shopping for Laundry soap and herbs to help boost my breastmilk supply I came across the Human Touch Acuvibe Mini Vibrator that was perhaps, the best price I've ever seen it. Was I really going to buy a sex toy off of the website whose sister site is the one I buy my diapers off of? Yep!

It's a great little vibe that lights up while it charges (a/c adapter- no batteries required) and it has enough power to get me over the edge. It's not as 'oomphy' (if that's not a word it is now) as my Hitachi but it'll do for right now.

This isn't a review, it's my new Mommy instinct to hunt for the best deals getting the best of me. The cool thing about www.soap.com is that they have the Vibratex Thundercloud for $79 (I've seen these for $140 everywhere else)--- (To make these prices even sweeter, use "promocode" for an additional 15% off). I'm just really excited about deals for powerful little toys. Oh, and Soap always has deals on condoms.... not like we'll really need them since it took us 5 years to get pregnant- I'm not exactly a fertile Myrtle- but I should do my best to promote safe sex since my world revolves around it.

Anyway, I'm alive and I'm gradually getting myself back into the world of toys. Yay.